Author: Donna Chandler

By:  Donna Hale Chandler

It was Christmas of 2008, my sweetie gave me what I’m sure was supposed to be a Christmas gift that would bring me hours of pleasure and simplify my life in the process. I am a technology-challenged 60 year-old female so when I opened the shiny new DVR, it looked to me like a nightmare from hell. Not only would it need to be hooked up PROPERLY to my television, I would also need to LEARN how to use it.

Oh horrors! This man is smiling at me as if he’s given me the world and my head is already starting to ache in protest. I’m doubtful that the old brain cells are able to learn one more new thing. I don’t want to seem ungrateful and I certainly don’t want to appear stupid so I squeal with delight, declaring that this is exactly what I’ve been wanting and I can hardly wait to see how it works.

Hours later, ‘honey’ goes home and leaves me with a DVR all correctly connected and a brand new remote control in my hand. Although he has several times, explained how to use the remote, he could have been speaking a foreign language as far as I was concerned.

I, however, am not a quitter and a few days later I at least know how to turn my TV on and off when suddenly something goes wrong. Oh no, what did I do to break it? No picture, no sound, this can’t be good. Track down the Owner’s Manual, find the troubleshooting page. No picture, no sound, check connections. Well, unless the DVR demons came in while I was sleeping, the connections should be right. It worked yesterday.

Ah ha, an 800 number, just what I need. Ages and ages and ages later the nice, polite DVR service rep decided that I must need a replacement. One would be mailed to me the next morning. Yikes! That means, disconnecting and re-connecting the thing AGAIN.

Sure enough, the replacement DVR is delivered, the broken one is re-packed and taken to UPS to ship back and the replacement DVR is hooked up. When I turn on the TV, there’s no picture and no sound. Again, I unhook everything, starting all over by hooking it up all over again. Still, there is no picture and no sound.

Now where did I put that 800 number? It was just like an instant replay, push this button, disconnect this wire, reconnect wire, and push 3 buttons at the same time while singing American the Beautiful, nothing worked. AGAIN, it was decided that another replacement was what I needed.

By the time I stopped crying from frustration, the THIRD DVR arrived. Again, I pack away the non-functioning one. This time however, my son was visiting and everyone knows that young people automatically know now how to hook up anything and everything.

“No,” he says, “He doesn’t need the instructions.” I pace the floor as he twists and turns this cable and that cable, connects this wire, unhooks that one. Finally I hold my breath, and push the On Button. Picture, sound! I had picture and sound! I could even change the channels! The DVR Gods had taken pity on me.

I still need to learn to use the record, pause, back-up and go-forward buttons, set my ‘season passes’ etc., but I’ll manage somehow. Be careful, though, because believe me, a DVR would be hazardous to your blood pressure, even when it’s a gift from your special someone.

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Gram use’ta say“You have to wait until evening
to determine how wonderful the day was.”

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From The Hints Book Almanac
By Donna Hale Chandler and Richard Lee King

USES FOR ALUMINUM FOIL, cont’d

4. Decorate a cake – No pastry bag? Not a problem, just use a piece of heavy-duty aluminum foil to form a tube. Fill it with frosting and toss it away when finished. No pastry bag to clean.
5. Make a salad bowl – The next time you’re invited to a pot luck and are assigned the duty of bringing an extra large salad, don’t panic if you don’t have a bowl large enough. Just line the kitchen sink with foil and toss away.
6. Keep rolls and breads warm – Wrap them in a napkin and place a layer of aluminum foil underneath. The foil will reflect the heat and keep your bread warm for quite a while.

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 By:  Donna Hale Chandler

No, I’m not talking about my first date as a teenager. My teen years were a VERY long time ago. I’m talking about my first date as a senior citizen. My ‘second’ first date was even more terrifying than my ‘first’ first date.

Almost two years after the death of my husband, I decided to be brave and register on-line with one of those ‘dating sites.’ They’re supposed to be able to find your perfect match. I wasn’t looking for a replacement for my husband. I was simply looking for a gentleman with whom I could occasionally have dinner or maybe with whom I could go out dancing. Basically, I was looking for someone to make me laugh every once in a while.

For quite a while, I was pretty leery about the men who contacted me, but finally I agreed to meet “Jack” for dinner. I was an absolute nervous wreck. Was I going to meet an ax murderer? I told everyone that I knew exactly where I’d be, just in case I should disappear. I wanted them to know where to send the search party.

It was August and I live in Florida. If you haven’t been to Florida in August, just imagine the hottest day you can, then add another 20 degrees.

There was a car show in a nearby town. We roamed along the streets looking at old cars until I thought I’d surely die of heat stroke. Finally he suggested that we find a place for dinner. As long as there was air conditioning and a place to sit down, I was agreeable.

The restaurant that he chose was very nice. They even had real flowers in bud vases on the table and cloth napkins (which of course always says ‘classy joint’). It seemed that it was especially crowded. We were seated at a small table for two near the window. The waiter took our order and we quietly sat there staring into space hoping our food would arrive soon.

Finally our meal was brought to our table. I reached for my glass of Diet Coke to add some moisture to my dry throat just as I heard “Jack” say, “I’m looking for a wife. Are you looking for a husband?”

There’s nothing quite like getting right to the point. I guess he was thinking that at our ages, we don’t have time to wait around for long.

I’m sure it must have been some sort of a spasm, but the next few minutes aren’t very clear in my mind. First, I dropped my drink into my lap, soaking my nice white shorts. The instant that ice cold liquid hit my legs, I leaped up from my seat. This jostled the table and sent his glass of sweet iced tea crashing to the floor, where it broke into hundreds of pieces and sent sticky tea flying in all directions. As I grabbed for one of those nice cloth napkins, I knocked over the bud vase that sat in the middle of the table, spilling icky daisy water into Jack’s plate.

Instantly the entire restaurant was as quiet as church, while all the patrons craned their necks to see what the crazy lady over by the window was doing. Staff came running from all directions, one with a mop, one with a broom for the broken glass, one to usher us away from the destroyed table to a clean dry one and the rest just to ‘appear’ to be helpful.

I was so embarrassed that I had yet to speak. Finally when conversation was once again buzzing around us and the employees had returned to their regular duties, I raised my head to see if Jack was still there. I fully expected that during the confusion he had taken the opportunity to distance himself from this insane lady by fleeing the scene.

Surprisingly he was still there. I couldn’t read the expression on his face, and I seemed to have lost the ability to speak. He calmly picked up his fork and said, “Well, I think I’ll take that as a no.”

Strangest thing, I never did get another dinner invitation from “Jack.” And it was quite a while before I got up the courage to try this dating business again.

I was concerned that I just might not survive a THIRD first date.

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Gram use’ta say

“Red meat is not bad for you,
Green fuzzy meat, now that’s what’s bad for you.”

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From The Hints Book Almanac
By Donna Hale Chandler and Richard Lee King

THE USES FOR ALUMINUM FOIL

1. Baking, piecrust – For a perfect piecrust, keep the edges of your homemade pies from burning by covering them with strips of aluminum foil. The foil prevents the edges from getting overdone while the rest of your pie gets perfectly browned.
2. Baking, cake pans – Create special shaped cake pans – Make a teddy bear birthday, a Valentine’s Day heart cake, a Christmas tree cake, or whatever shaped cake the occasion may call for. Just form a double thickness of heavy-duty aluminum foil into the desired shape inside a large cake pan.
3. Cooking, brown sugar – To restore hardened brown sugar to its former powdery glory, chip off a piece, wrap it in aluminum foil, and bake it in the oven at 300 degrees F for five minutes.   (watch for more aluminum foil tips)

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A scientist, I am not! Words of wisdom are usually passed on by those who have already screwed up. I am certainly no exception. For example:

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you removed a can of soda from the refrigerator and dropped in on a tiled kitchen floor?

When burning questions like that pop up, you can find the answer one of two ways. You can EXPERIMENT by dropping your own can of soda on your own kitchen floor, OR you can RESEARCH your question and ask others who may have already completed research in this important area.

I suggest RESEARCH and I know the perfect person for you to interview first ………………. ME!

When a soda can slips from your hand and falls to the tiled kitchen floor, it EXPLODES and sprays sticky Coca Cola from head to toe and ceiling to floor,,,,,,,,,,, into the crack between the refrigerator door and freezer door, under the stove, and even in between the pages of the cookbook you were preparing to use. The spray is even strong enough to fly into the next room, falling onto all those surfaces and soaking into all those little cracks and creases.

The only thing to do is grab a mop, paper towels, spray cleaners, maybe even a bucket of paint and a paint brush for the walls, and go to work. During this frenzy of cleaning you will probably hear tiny little ant voices in the distance saying something like “COME ON BOYS, FREE DRINKS, FOLLOW ME!”

After the kitchen and surrounding rooms are cleaned, throw yourself, completely dressed into the shower because you will surely be a sticky mess. By the time you’ve showered, the kitchen floor should be dry and you can perform the Cleanliness Test, which everyone knows is to walk on your floor with bare feet. If you don’t stick, it’s clean.

I’ve just completed the first portions of this exciting experiment, now it’s time for my shower, followed by the Cleanliness Test. (And there’d better not be any bugs in there looking for refreshments!)

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Gram use’ta say

“You can never over use Thank You or Please.”

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Does 10:30 p.m. qualify as being the middle of the night? If you’re retired, I’m sure it does. The other night I was soundly sleeping and softly snoring (my sweetie will get a kick out of the SOFTLY snoring part) when my phone rang. Now we all know when the phone rings in the middle of the night, its bad news, VERY bad news,

I grab for the phone, answer, “Hello” and hold my breath. The voice on the other end says, “Hello, this is the Port Saint Lucie Sheriff’s Department.” OH NO, IT’S THE POLICE! This is much worse than I imagined. My mind is whirling a million miles a minute. This is bad. This is very bad? Someone is seriously injured. Someone has been in an accident and been KILLED. This is horrible. Why are they calling me on the phone? For news like this they should be knocking on my door. They should be asking me if there’s someone they can call. They should NOT be giving such heartbreaking news over the phone.

Wait! What is the voice saying? It sounds like a recording. IT IS A RECORDING! The Port Saint Lucie Sheriff Department is telling me that I can take my expired medications to the nearest Walgreen’s Pharmacy for disposal. And, just to make sure I understand how this is accomplished, they leave a phone number for me to call with any questions.

WHAT THE HELL? THEY NEED TO TELL ME THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? I DON’T THINK SO! The police are supposed to be our friends. Well, MY friends do NOT call me at 10:30 and scare the daylights out of me. So, I decide that I’ll just call the good old Port Saint Lucie Sheriff Department back and tell them so.

I had to get OUT of bed, turn on a light, search for my glasses and hunt for a phone book. When listening to the ‘medication disposal advice’ I was too astounded to think clearly enough to write down the number they were spouting. Besides it was dark (I’m sure I mentioned the time).

I actually gave thought to dialing 911. Someone had called 911 from McDonalds recently because they were out of McNuggets. This was a much more serious emergency than that! But, I kept my composure, looked up a non-911 number and called. I told the nice young lady that answered that I had just received a call from the police and that it scared me half to death and if it was a joke, it certainly wasn’t very funny.

She wanted to know who called me and what did they say? I’m sure she was thinking that I’ve received a prank call and she would be able to deny all responsibility. BUT, that was not the case. I explained that the Sheriff’s recording has called me to give me a lesson on how to dispose of expired medication. That turned the tide. She was very apologetic and said she would look into it immediately.

The next day there was an apology letter in the newspaper, addressed to any of the Saint Lucie County residents who had been awaked by a recorded message. The person who programmed it to make calls had gotten confused about the distinction between a.m. and p.m.  Oh dear ……………. They don’t know day from night and they’re protecting us?

I’M GETTING A DOG!!!

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Gram use’ta say

“It is said, there are two rules on winning an argument with a woman.
Neither works.”

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By:  Donna Hale Chandler

I may have won the Battle of The Bugs a few days ago but I just don’t see a quick end to the Battle of the Sparkles. Actually I brought on my own grief by forming a bad habit several years ago when my children were small. I was working full time, and time for cleaning, laundry, etc. was severely limited. The bad habit has to do with the dreaded chore of doing the laundry. I found that you can be finished with all those dirty clothes in half the time if you just throw everything in together…. whites, darks,….. makes no difference. Just make sure you push the cold water button. Nothing fades, nothing shrinks, all is right with your world… USUALLY!

Once on New Year’s Eve I donned a nice sparkly top and celebrated with my sweetie and my friends. All was well, until laundry day rolled around. The pretty, festive, sparkly top needed a bit of attention. I read the ‘care’ label which instructed me to wash separately on the gentle cycle. So, as had been my habit, I ignored the label and in it went with the rest of the clothing to be washed.

Who would have ever guessed that ‘sparkles’ actually jump from article to article, either while sloshing in the washer or tumbling in the dryer? Who would have ever guessed that those pretty sparkles could come off of that nice top and attach themselves to EVERYTHING ELSE?

I then had very fancy, sparkly sheets, sparkly pillow cases, sparkly socks, sparkly jeans, sparkly towels and even sparkly wash clothes. .

I was afraid that for many months I would need to sleep with a mask over my eyes or the bright lights from the sparkles on the sheets will keep me awake.

Fortunately my sweetie was a good sport because his clothing was in the wash too giving him several nice sparkly pieces of clothing.

****Fast forward several years, we’re sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. As I cross my legs to get more comfortable, I spot it — a sparkle on my ankle. Now where did that rascal come from? I point it out to my sweetheart and we both started to giggle making those around us wonder if we might be dangerous or simply ‘off our rockers’.  ******

Moral of the story, joy and laughter are all around if we only open our eyes to see the sparkles of each day.

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Gram use’ta say

“Senior citizens should be required to wear name tags,
so I’ll remember who I’m talking to.”

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