AM I THE ONLY ONE. . . who has some goofy friends?

SENIOR CITIZEN TALK

Years ago, Sweetie and I were out with some friends and I had just come back to the table from the men’s room. She had knowingly caught my glance at the front of my trousers and we both began to giggle. Well, of course that didn’t escape the notice of either of my friends and the husband inquired as to what it was that they had missed. Well, it’s a bit of a delicate subject, but we were all friends, so I thought I’d have a little fun with them.

“I have this problem of dribbling after I pee…. sometimes it gets the front of my trousers wet and it’s embarrassing.” Maybe I should mention, they are REALLY CLOSE friends and no subject is really that far out of bonds. Anyway, I was telling them that Sweetie had suggested that start wearing a Maxi pad in the front of my shorts to soak up the excess and keep my pants dry.

“Well,” says my friend, “you might be doing it wrong. How do you pee.”

Mind you, at the time, I was 66 years old. I’d been doing this for a while and I kinda considered myself an expert at it. So, I thought I’d play along with him for a while. We often joke around about some pretty strange things. “Well,” I said, “when I’m out in public, I step up to the urinal, but when I’m at home, I sit down on the stool, which allows me to shake it a little harder and longer without splattering myself in the face or soaking my whole pant leg.”

“Out in the public,” says he, “now tell me, just when do you pee out in public?”

At this point, I can see the glimmer in his eye and I know he’s planning on having a little fun with me. So, I decide to play along and see if I can’t turn the tables on him. “Well, I don’t mean that I pee out in public, but when I go into a public bathroom, I don’t like to sit on the stools. You never know what you might catch and Sweetie has warned me about bringing home pets. Besides, some of these men’s rooms are pretty darn grubby. What I was trying to say is that when I am out in the public and have to use the bathroom, I don’t use the stool unless it’s a dire emergency”

“Well, when you stand up to the urinal how do you get to it?” Says my friend.

“Get to what?”

“How do you get to your package?”

“What package, I’m not carrying any package, what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you going to pee, when you step up to the urinal and you unzip your fly, then what do you do?”

“Well, I haul it out and let it fly.”

“Yes,” he said, “I know that, but do you go over the top or through the slot?”

“Over the top of what? What slot? Are we in the same bathroom? I don’t know what slot you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about the slot in the front of your under shorts, do you pull your package through that slot, or do you go over the top of your shorts?”

Well, at this point we were both laughing pretty hard, which isn’t always the best of situations when you’re already experiencing problems with a damp spot on the front of your trousers. Luckily, I had just come back from the room in question and there wasn’t much to be concerned about. Anyway, when we were finally able to stop laughing, my friend proceeds to explain that he used to have a similar problem.

He says, “When that used to happen to me, it was because I was going over the top and my shorts were so tight that it was cutting off the flow before I finished.” He went on to say that since he started going through the slot, “his problem had been solved.” So, he says, “I ask you again, are you going over the top, or through the slot?”

Well, I had to admit that I had been going “over the top” so I said, “Not to brag, but now that you mention it, “yes, at times I had felt that my shorts might have been just a little snug.”

That brought a chuckle from him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Now you know I’ve stood beside you many times when you took a leak. Believe me when I say, you won’t be doing any serious bragging.”

Then he says, “Next time you go pee, try going through the slot. I’m pretty sure that will take care of your problem and if that works, take an aspirin and call me in the morning. I might be able to solve some of your other complaints just as easily.”

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