Tag: humor

Family, Humorous

AM I THE ONLY ONE . . . who learned to drive a car with a standard, also known as a stick shift?

Donna Chandler

A very long time ago, I was 16 and learning to drive.  My parents owned a brand-new red Volkswagen Beetle with a gearshift on the floor. Way back then Driver’s Ed was not offered in schools, nor were there classes that you could pay for and go to away from school. (at least where I lived anyway, which was the great state of Kentucky) This meant one of my parents would have to teach me to drive.  Note:  I have put a dent somewhere on every car I have driven from the age of 16 to 60.  Perhaps I needed more teaching?  Or more learning?

My dad worked long hours at the steel mill so my mother took on this scary chore.  It didn’t help that my mother, in my opinion, was a bit on the bossy side and was hardly subtle with criticisms, which was proven the second time she took me out to drive.  Long story short, within 15 minutes, she had insisted I get out of the car and walk home.  Nothing was ever mentioned again about her being my driving instructor.  She had firmly resigned from that job.

Dad took over and honestly, had the patience of Job.  He at least stuck with me long enough for me to take and pass by driver’s test.  Over the next several months, my dad had to replace the clutch three times.  The last time he put in a truck clutch, hoping it would live through my constant ‘riding the clutch’.  I also did a few doughnuts one rainy day in the middle of the street and slid into an embankment.  I pulled forward, got myself back and the road, and went on home.

I had barely pulled onto the carport when Dad came flying out of the house to see what was going on.  You see, every tailpipe from the VW was lodged firmly in that embankment.  That little car sounded just like an airplane was pulling into the driveway.

At some point the VW disappeared and a car with an automatic shift appeared.  That is another story.  Not having a clutch did not mean that the car was safe when I was driving.

*********

EDITOR’S NOTE: Please check us out… Kindle versions of our books are available Amazon for only 99 cents.

amazon.com/author/donnachandler
amazon.com/author/richard-lee-king/

Or purchase via this blog Books and receive an autographed copy with no shipping or delivery fees.

.

Humorous

AM I THE ONLY ONE . . . who wants others to volunteer?

Donna Chandler

VOLUNTEER WORK

Thinking that being a volunteer
would be a rewarding way to spend each day,
I ran and was elected to our Condo Board,
For which you receive no pay.

Now I could get involved
in all the policy setting.
I was sure we could make decisions
that our residents wouldn’t be regretting

My phone rang with my first call.
A resident parked in the wrong space.
To some, it was an extreme emergency.
He needed to be put in the proper place.

Other concerns were nearly as important,
unless you feel you’ve been snubbed.
One lady had new plants outside her window,
while her neighbor had nasty old shrubs.

Mr. Fisher had guests for the week-end.
Someone complained the day they arrived.
What was I thinking when I volunteered?
Suddenly, I began to wonder if I’d survive.

Being on the Board of Directors was not a joy,
the complaints to numerous to court,
particularly in a 55+ community.
Of this I’m thoroughly qualified to vouch.

Each day brings a new challenge
with good news or bad to promptly deliver.
Should I decide to volunteer again,
take my temperature to make sure there’s no fever.

Humorous

AM I THE ONLY ONE . . . who bakes too many Christmas cookies?

Donna Chandler

My rule, in the past,was that a broken cookie had no calories because the calories all fell of the break. I was so happy to run across a whole list of rules on Facebook and feel this knowledge should be shared with all Christmas cookie lovers:

Christmas Cookie Rules…

  1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.  However, calories are units of heat so wait for them to cool, there will no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
  3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend.  Because your friend’s first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also.  It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.
  4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move.  This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
  5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
  6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories.  Red ones have three and green ones have five – one calorie for each letter.  Make more red ones!
  7. Cookies eaten while watching “Miracle on 34th Street” have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
  8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  9. Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate have no calories because the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate.  We all know how calories like to CLING
  10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories.  It’s a rule!

So, enjoy those Christmas Cookies – we get them only this time of year!

EDITOR’S NOTE: We are both writers.  Please check us out at:

amazon.com/author/richard-lee-king/
amazon.com/author/donnachandler

Kindle versions of most of our books are available at only 99 cents.