A person might think that having reached the age of 74, having had two children and having visited dentists, doctors, and gynecologists literally hundreds of times, there would be very little that would cause me to be taken aback by one of these professionals. All mothers know that once you go through the birthing process the first time, any pretense of modesty has been lost, never to be found again. However, the saying ‘never say never’ is very true.
As I sit here at my computer this evening, anticipating a colonoscopy tomorrow morning at 7:15, my mind is whirling with thoughts almost as fast as my feet rush me to the bathroom every few minutes. Doctors, I think, are secretly sadists. They must be. What normal person would command another human go an entire 24 hours with no food? In my opinion a clear liquid diet is not food. It is cruel and usual punishment. Add to that, the vile concoction that the doctor says you MUST drink within a very short period.
This concoction is some sort of acid that has surely been used to torture captives in some dark cave during a long past evil era. Not only does it taste like poison, it is an extremely sneaky poison. Just when you think you may have survived, it hits you. No matter how strong your ‘control’, believe me it won’t be strong enough.
Sheer exhaustion finally takes over and you fall into a very uneasy sleep, but not for long. It seems that the wicked doctor is not quite finished. The last instruction is to drink even more of this nastiness four hours before my procedure. This means, my clock is set for 3:15 a.m. (And I thought 7:15 was early!)
Now I ask you, does the world function at 3:15 in the morning? For those of you not yet retired, I am sure it must. I remember those years and years of getting up before the sun and dragging my tired self to work. But now I AM retired and for me, early mornings have ceased to exist. I haven’t used an alarm clock in years.
This upcoming, exciting appointment was brought about by my last visit to my doctor’s office. As I sat on the examination table, answering boring questions. Then suddenly the question was, “What color is your stool?”
My initial reaction was thinking to myself, “That new toilet stool that we just had put into the bathroom is white, right?” There was a hesitation of a couple of very long seconds before I realized what he was REALLY asking.
On the way home, my sweetheart and I had a good laugh about the way I had tried to describe stool color. As we laughed, I remembered a couple of other recent visits to our esteemed medical personnel. Ahh, but those are stories for another time. Right now, I need to run to the bathroom
©Donna Hale Chandler
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